So ... this athiest is bad at math, right?

from the "Calculate Your God Delusion Index", I see that the authors can't draw a simple number line. That's funny! I'm not "Batshit crazy" and I can draw a number line. I found the first two levels of delusion interesting, then it fell into 'operational psychosis' at higher levels.

Well, the creators (ha ha) spent some time with this and still didn't get a number line right. Good going duds (not dudes).

Well deserved

I do wrong and deserve the berating I get. So, I deserve the Hell that I calming walk to visit.
It's a shame ... I'll miss Heaven.

On the same path, eagerly walking to Hell ...

I made the day of a girl who had a nasty one ... she called me wanting to thank me, so sweet

I turned on my phone too late (I turned it off at work in the afternoon to save my battery), a friend was in trouble and desperate. He was out of sorts ... confused (from alcohol or drugs) needing help. In the end, his distance too great for me to reach him quickly, I sent officers to do a wellness check on him. I will try again today to check on him.

I am a little help to a person feeling quite alone, okay make that a few people who feel alone and desperate. One particular girl is a survivor of many hellish child experiences. I will never forgo being her friend, as she needs friends. I just wish I could live a life where she could have a "safe haven" being free to walk in, sit, and talk with me.

Loneliness ... a sad curse. Apparently there is a vast amount of loneliness despite the number of people on the planet. Of course, if you can't be yourself around someone, then you are still alone from yourself.

I have met lost souls and persons with many pains casting long shadows on the ground. I have had the opportunity for some people to cast their shadow on me ... let go of some of the past, giving it to me to remember and them to forget. I never wanted the burden, but it is nice to take the load for someone so loaded and often so young.

If I existed only to carry the sadness of others, it would destroy me. I am thankfully that I am also reminded that I am loved despite my evil nature, despite that I do wrong. Being loved, truly loved, is what a soul ultimately wants.

looked into vacation idea ...

WHOA! Skip all that or at least one place I looked! It was nearly as expensive as Disney World.

dirty man

Talked dirty this morning ... "my lips touch yours ...", was naughty this evening on the phone with my special someone.

Yes, MR ... I am going to Hell, I got it.

I want to have different circumstances for sure, but it is what it is.

closer than before

I have had calls and txt messages from work more than when I worked there. It is nice to know that I was liked while I was there. I got a call from a cute girl ... nice that I made her day. I also spoke with another friend from work. She's great, but is stuck with her situation -- long time bf with waning interest in him. Frisky fun girl who never "sowed her wild oats" instead settled down quickly and perhaps too much so.

she had a bad day ...

nothing went right, frazzled ... sad

I did something right
and she cried

It isn't revenge, though she is the girl who made me cry. I showed her that despite her convictions ... someone does care and like it or not .. gives a damn!

.... pop, oh goody, we're online

I started my stark job with little hope or prospect. One woman, the team leader is a manic depressant -- scary mix as the moods are like drafts in a building. Whoa -- cool, whoa hot! Another guy there is large, not quite as strong as Bob in Incredibles, but looks equally silly hunched over the desk the space surrounding him like an ill-fitting suit. Another woman eats like a rabbit -- munch, much, much -- she's rail thin. Another woman there does the same thing -- real big. I guess life isn't fair.

Day four, I have a computer that works, somewhat. I have a phone system that has my name, and have all the programs that I should have. Apart from handling phone calls -- the bulk of the job, I have done all else ... entered in paperwork (Brazil's landmass worth of paperwork) including shipping, returns, invoices, faxing, (where are they) slips for shipments that are lost or late.

They moved from one system to another and there was a major problem with data transfer. About 6 weeks did not completely, and in some cases at all, load onto the new program. The program therefore made these items limbo -- did they ship, did they not ... back order?

This is partially why they need more people there. The backlog of fix this defeats the new business that they need. I am working on learning it all. Today I was able to pitch in and do some of the backlog. Anything to help the team and eventually move on to where I do sales and the potential for raises.

I like the team, but need to ask for an odd request of my direct super --
can I extend my hours there (not getting overtime) in order to have a more realistic lunch of 60 minutes?

We'll see how that goes. I will wait til I put in a week, I think.

Day 3 ...

I did a little more today. I got my computer and it was working. The problem is getting over the hurdle of the interface. There are four programs that they use. There is a fifth that many use, but it is the "old" system. Those who used it, love it and hate the new system.

The new program has advantages and disadvantages. It uses Windows capabilities and defeats other Windows capabilities. Because of the manner of data storage, the SQL is limited and needs more versatility and wildcards. What the users forget is that the system has to track down millions or billions of part numbers and correlate that to orders, inventory and more. Of course it should require some human-factor thinking (part number containing "7") should not be an allowable function -- consuming very valuable resources. On the same token, you may not know much about the part number so you should be able to do more with description, regardless whether you know the manufacturer.

This is also true if company A is bought be company B. Now, Company A might continue to produce the part and name it Company B; may manufacture a new part with Company A; outsource old part to Company C. This is where the complexity begins. Okay, I understand that some person may not know the part number, but they ought to have an idea what it is, right?

Part of my job will be finding parts for people who don't know the part numbers.
Another part of my job will be to order parts, ensuring that we have the parts (informing the customer approximae time of delivery) and getting prices.

The prices are the biggest mess of all.

Service Company F has a certain volume of business and gets __% off list price, unless ...
there is only a Net price listed
If the sale is a quote, numbers are rounded to integer dollars and freight is seemingly arbitrarily guessed.
I can see few instances when my team members actually calculate weight of parts for shipping.

I have a lot to learn, but I can, if given the chance, do much now.

last bit of last day

pick up G, for she doesn't have license or car (there)

drop off G for same reasons

got back round 10pm
tired on first day ... boring, not a good start

What stayed with me was feeling of love, hugs and kisses I got.
I'm an ass, bastard, jerk, putz, numbnutz, but still got rewards for effort, for trying (other than trying others' patience)

In my mind, would like to see one girl turn to novelist
one girl turn to nurse
one girl get her humor and childhood back -- then become a program manager for multiple facilities
one man finish his degree (after changing twice) to physics then marry the nurse

see one woman end her relationship with guy in favor of being a person more in control of her life (mother of two) and her defunct bf who is on the chronic fatigue side

In confession, strongly like one woman, have a fading crush on the program manager -- wish her my best

I would like to see the one girl develop into woman and defy all odds and be exceed her potential. Uncomfortable with herself and success, she will, for a long time, suffer

Chris

Chris Hogan

* thanks Dave

She

Little girl, baby ... I've never been a father, "daddy", uncle yes. Little girl seeks me out ... wants to write me. Again, I am spoken about in corners, shadows, "is it okay". It hurts that I can't call her "little girl", "daughter", "baby". Her generous nature is natural ... she doesn't know it hurts that others care about me. I hardly share a thing in my mind, let alone my true passions ... this little girl ... melts my heart


a stone giant brought to his knees

softy inside

Girl who would be woman ... the Nobel Peace Prize could not bring pride as great as this. "daddy" would melt me as sure as the sun a candle ... young friend, I cherish the moment I read your letter, you honor me with any letter even ... da da da "X"

I am touched

first day at work

I just watched someone work today. I nearly fell asleep. Hey, guys! Why don't you go ahead and let me work, eh?

burdon of youth

Here is Joshua! I'm sure that the grandparents will eventually let Jeff and Paula hold him.

I would like to post Christopher pictures, but ... I don't have any,

ahem, Dave, JJ?

sweet girl broke my heart

It was my last day with many people last night. There was a kid there who broke my heart completely apart. She asked me for my mailing address so that she could write me.

That hurt! It still hurts when I think of it.

Dear sweet girl. I hope I get to read something from her.

It was the gesture I'll remember ... even if she never writes.

She coupled it with hugs.

Again ... hurts that I never was a daddy, happy that I might have been a good man around some people. I was considered good role model at work and uncle to at least one person (not the aforementioned girl).

Like a marinette

I am cutting my strings from work. I hope to finally burst out into, first "F---ing hurray!" Then, "I've got no strings to hold me down..."




Italian version

Counting down

four
more
days

I was very naughty, bad, insolent, sent to the corner, bad, bad man


Oh, and I was asked, in the future, if I would like to attend a wedding (years in the making), perhaps in a wedding party. I, of course, accepted. The couple are two kids who met at work, happily twitter pated with each other.

You have new crap!

Well, no. It's old crap redone. I looked at cash last night... huh, $1500 short. I don't think so. I called the GM and surprise, surprise, surprise (Jim Neighbors as Gomer Pyle), somebody didn't enter in money. You'all accost me for errors when I get this? B---S---! Take that job and love, I ain't workin' there no more!

I have four days left and it is much like a man waiting parole ... "time, it take time..."+

I came in yesterday and a vital piece of equipment was ... not work, go figure! Later, the computer was as reliable as France as an ally in a war. I had to restart it. Pretty soon, the hillbilly state of affairs there will be clear. You have four computers and none of them work. How is this different than white trash and redneck?

+Scorpions, "Still Lovin' You"

feeling bad about it

No, I won't write about my "fling thing", but rather that a girl at work approached me, pouting, "You're leaving" and I am to feel guilty about it. I don't feel guilty for getting a better job -- no way! I feel sad that I will not directly see these people, and kids, grow and move on. It isn't like they don't plan on leaving anyway ... why should I feel guilty.

I care, and that is why I don't belong. I was reminded that I was one of a few people who cared, therefore unlike the other managers. I was an aberration, shock to the system. I didn't fit and had to go, better by choice.

I guess I'm Guilty, and not just of leaving.

days ago, a "wonderful" trip home

Later I got a white out. Nice.

dissolution solution

Be it Neil Diamond's "Love on the Rocks" or "To the Left" it is the commonplace for divorce. I am no exception. I will honestly type that my marriage was stupid ... doomed before its creation. We had a bad relationship and the marriage didn't miracle away any problems. It's almost better if the divorce happens early, as later there are so many deep wounds that by time the actual paperwork is complete, these once beloved happy couple are often caged pit dogs, fighting for survival.

I therefore have, with some reservations, respect for those who live together without marriage, for they can somewhat keep autonomy, never sharing their legal debt. I will also submit that marriage ought to be more difficult, since divorce itself is easy -- agreeing on division of assets, debt, and custody are the stumbling blocks.

I believe, men too, fall into the allure of the marriage being a fairy tale where wishes come true, hearts unite and arguments are few and far between. Then, cold fate moves in the house for a "short stay", a financial hardship, too many hours away from each other, interference from others -- ghosts taking their grizzly toll on a happy couple.

When you fall in deep, true love, the person should be so lovable that you would enjoy them, some limitations apply, if they were injured in an accident; jobless for a long time; shockingly opposite of you in a critical way (cleanliness vs sloppiness for example); luckless; suffering from a deflated ego, etc.

The marriage should be an equitable trade -- since the relationship isn't ONE person, then ONE person can't make all of the decisions. You love a person for who they are, their limitations notwithstanding. If you find that one true love -- not only who "rocks your world", but who would love you equally -- in fair weather, and bitter despair. Would you hold hands, hug, kiss, playfully talk, grow and die together if you were dirt poor -- incalculably rich? Would you call that person friend -- true friend, sharing every detail of your life with her/him?

Would you tell them the bad things you did; the good things you did; what you wanted to do; what you'd like to do? Could you ask them for a favor, be glad to do them a favor? I think the faith -- lack of fullness, wholeness, complete friendship is a big cause of marriage failures.

"Money problems" is often cited, but there are many happy poor couples, who hobble together, slowly, surely, hand in hand, together. Death of your one true love only means you have to wait to see them again. You can see that person again, with you, the voice, essence, being. A friend would tell you when you are wrong, support you in need, pick you up when you are down. A friend loves you, no matter your "faults", for who you are matters more.

If you have a friend who is a spouse, then you have a great thing, all other limitations can be "worked around". If your spouse was not a deep, close, personal friend, then you aren't close enough. If you have a "I don't share this" with your spouse ... mate, one true love, then with whom do you share it?

In my case, while I shared much of me -- she needed me for survival -- for her frailty was self-perpetuated. She favored her sadness. I could not call her a friend when she needed more than the two of us combined. She could not give for she always needed. She was not, in the end, a friend on whom I could rely, not nearly close enough.

I write this because of a recent divorce of friends who seemed like a good couple. I don't know their story. I know of another couple who may split and a different couple whose non-marriage is indicative of its invalidity.

Other cases is that you have couples who never really were honest with each other and others didn't explore each other -- who each was, knowing yourself first, the other person second -- that person finding out about you what you didn't know.