Passivity or I psychoanalyze myself

As I age, I doubt that I am less angry, but my "anger gives" me "focus". There was a time that my so-called rage was free-floating (not unlike free-floating anxiety; also similar to general anxiety disorder), but rather than a disorder, it was a character flaw rather than a true psychosis or mental ailment. Now that I am old, only minorly wiser, I find that there are indeed injustices that are worth of anger and attention.

I remember that there were times that my aggression was easily diverted to any number of questionably rational ideals including my homophobia at the time.

There was a time that I was quite homophobic, during the BBS days trying to garner support for the Legion of Fag Haters (or something like that). It was at this age (maturity not chronological) that I was most susceptible to cults and mob-justified crime including murder. I had a wonderful group of friends who were gay-stomping, though a few agreed that homosexuality should have been a punishable crime. Two critical things happened in my life to permanently alter my perspective on violence.

1. In my youth I tortured and killed invertebrates endlessly. It was enjoyable. I happened along a frog in the yard. It was at this juncture that I could have ended up like Rowe. I was sixteen, I think, and I held a large knife (old military knife I found at a school) over the frog. I dropped it probably about six times before it hit the poor frog. It sliced a back leg, but it didn't injure it terribly.
This would cinch me into a typical psychotic / asocial category save this; I felt terrible and nearly cried for the frog. I had a well hidden and buried conscious. I had done so well at hiding it, I found its strength in returning, painful. After this, I could not comfortably injure any animal. Much later (15 years, perhaps) I have an even greater preference for not killing when possible. I set free spiders and insects rather than kill them. Perhaps it is because of guilt or because I do truly feel that there is a reason for their existence at that time -- spiders eat insects that serve other purposes -- cycle of life and continuity of nature.

2. Had I not been introduced to people, who later on were okay people, and further on were openly gay, I would have felt justified in my hate of them. Ignorance has a way of verifying assumptions. To this day, I don't have any really close gay friends. If I'm wrong, then I am. Anyway, more to the point. Having found out later that people I knew for a while were gay, I had no real reason to hold that against them since it didn't change who they were. With this I relented my hate and animosity. My worries and fears of gays stem from very young years, and certainly not improved with some of my childhood experiences and neighborhood friends.

My folks weren't homosexual bashers and, since they grew up in bigoted households and couldn't stomach it, they weren't going to raise children who disliked supposed groups or categories of people. For this, I am very thankful.

My self-destructive tendencies, though general wild stupidity, were nearly suicidal; based for some years, though I doubt that I recognized it. Having grown older I am a bit less reckless. I have no suicidal tendencies and have been known to wimp out on many things, merely due to the safety or risk factor. I don't gamble (various reasons for that) and am far less of a risk-taker.

Wow! I am mad. It's amazing anyone around me is around me.

Names of infamy

If not now, later, when they are obnoxious ADULTS.
I had J'Lyn and Grayen both at odds with me. My solution, divide and conquer. That worked, Grayen being the greater offender, I removed him.

Look out for these two in their teens -- news, I'm sure.