old chili cook off joke

Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original personal called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

Judge one: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge two: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.

Kennedy: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge one: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

Judge two: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Kennedy: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge one: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge two: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

Kennedy: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

Judge one: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge two: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Kennedy: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled-it's kinda cute.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge one: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge two: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Kennedy: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge one: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

Judge two: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Kennedy: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge one: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned Peppers.

Judge two: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.

Kennedy: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

Judge one: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

Judge two: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Kennedy: Momma?

nice beaver

PICT0008.jpg
Originally uploaded by JKutz.

Thanks, I just had it stuffed.

same bird, different view

falcon on the grill
Originally uploaded by MDH, II.

Cold, wet, Cat-In-the-Hat day, still the animals were munching. On the fence, not politically, was a hawk. You'd think that all would fly and run for cover with this predaor around. The squirrels seemed disinterested in its presence. I guess they figured it was too small to catch them.

He missed his head

A Dugger, Indiana man was fleeing police when he shot himself in the shoulder. He was sought in a rape and murder of two different victims. The police should have helped him out with his aim to make the pain go away.

New introductions, please

Now, that's great! I would disallow weapons in the court room, but beating the snot out of the man accused of killing your sister and neice and nephews--I'm all for that! Please, refrain from the beating until he's found gulity, then as he is "marched" along the corrodor you may pelt him with--whatever, as long as you don't hit anyone else. Clearly they had to legally arrest the people assaulting the felon, but say -- I like that idea.

Oops!

Meanwhile, the US has been sinking the ships. After the release of this information, the US has switched tactics and informed commanders that "sinking may not be necessary" and is to be considered not "first" and "only" option. The opposing viewpoint is that fewer ships have had the tamarity to leave ports for fear of sinking.

I can only hope that it doesn't sell

O J Simpson book, need I write more? The title eludes to him doing the crime, no conviction. I just hope that the bulk of readers have the good sense to not read it.