dissolution solution

Be it Neil Diamond's "Love on the Rocks" or "To the Left" it is the commonplace for divorce. I am no exception. I will honestly type that my marriage was stupid ... doomed before its creation. We had a bad relationship and the marriage didn't miracle away any problems. It's almost better if the divorce happens early, as later there are so many deep wounds that by time the actual paperwork is complete, these once beloved happy couple are often caged pit dogs, fighting for survival.

I therefore have, with some reservations, respect for those who live together without marriage, for they can somewhat keep autonomy, never sharing their legal debt. I will also submit that marriage ought to be more difficult, since divorce itself is easy -- agreeing on division of assets, debt, and custody are the stumbling blocks.

I believe, men too, fall into the allure of the marriage being a fairy tale where wishes come true, hearts unite and arguments are few and far between. Then, cold fate moves in the house for a "short stay", a financial hardship, too many hours away from each other, interference from others -- ghosts taking their grizzly toll on a happy couple.

When you fall in deep, true love, the person should be so lovable that you would enjoy them, some limitations apply, if they were injured in an accident; jobless for a long time; shockingly opposite of you in a critical way (cleanliness vs sloppiness for example); luckless; suffering from a deflated ego, etc.

The marriage should be an equitable trade -- since the relationship isn't ONE person, then ONE person can't make all of the decisions. You love a person for who they are, their limitations notwithstanding. If you find that one true love -- not only who "rocks your world", but who would love you equally -- in fair weather, and bitter despair. Would you hold hands, hug, kiss, playfully talk, grow and die together if you were dirt poor -- incalculably rich? Would you call that person friend -- true friend, sharing every detail of your life with her/him?

Would you tell them the bad things you did; the good things you did; what you wanted to do; what you'd like to do? Could you ask them for a favor, be glad to do them a favor? I think the faith -- lack of fullness, wholeness, complete friendship is a big cause of marriage failures.

"Money problems" is often cited, but there are many happy poor couples, who hobble together, slowly, surely, hand in hand, together. Death of your one true love only means you have to wait to see them again. You can see that person again, with you, the voice, essence, being. A friend would tell you when you are wrong, support you in need, pick you up when you are down. A friend loves you, no matter your "faults", for who you are matters more.

If you have a friend who is a spouse, then you have a great thing, all other limitations can be "worked around". If your spouse was not a deep, close, personal friend, then you aren't close enough. If you have a "I don't share this" with your spouse ... mate, one true love, then with whom do you share it?

In my case, while I shared much of me -- she needed me for survival -- for her frailty was self-perpetuated. She favored her sadness. I could not call her a friend when she needed more than the two of us combined. She could not give for she always needed. She was not, in the end, a friend on whom I could rely, not nearly close enough.

I write this because of a recent divorce of friends who seemed like a good couple. I don't know their story. I know of another couple who may split and a different couple whose non-marriage is indicative of its invalidity.

Other cases is that you have couples who never really were honest with each other and others didn't explore each other -- who each was, knowing yourself first, the other person second -- that person finding out about you what you didn't know.