No, I won't write about my "fling thing", but rather that a girl at work approached me, pouting, "You're leaving" and I am to feel guilty about it. I don't feel guilty for getting a better job -- no way! I feel sad that I will not directly see these people, and kids, grow and move on. It isn't like they don't plan on leaving anyway ... why should I feel guilty.
I care, and that is why I don't belong. I was reminded that I was one of a few people who cared, therefore unlike the other managers. I was an aberration, shock to the system. I didn't fit and had to go, better by choice.
I guess I'm Guilty, and not just of leaving.
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
feeling bad about it
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
dissolution solution
Be it Neil Diamond's "Love on the Rocks" or "To the Left" it is the commonplace for divorce. I am no exception. I will honestly type that my marriage was stupid ... doomed before its creation. We had a bad relationship and the marriage didn't miracle away any problems. It's almost better if the divorce happens early, as later there are so many deep wounds that by time the actual paperwork is complete, these once beloved happy couple are often caged pit dogs, fighting for survival.
I therefore have, with some reservations, respect for those who live together without marriage, for they can somewhat keep autonomy, never sharing their legal debt. I will also submit that marriage ought to be more difficult, since divorce itself is easy -- agreeing on division of assets, debt, and custody are the stumbling blocks.
I believe, men too, fall into the allure of the marriage being a fairy tale where wishes come true, hearts unite and arguments are few and far between. Then, cold fate moves in the house for a "short stay", a financial hardship, too many hours away from each other, interference from others -- ghosts taking their grizzly toll on a happy couple.
When you fall in deep, true love, the person should be so lovable that you would enjoy them, some limitations apply, if they were injured in an accident; jobless for a long time; shockingly opposite of you in a critical way (cleanliness vs sloppiness for example); luckless; suffering from a deflated ego, etc.
The marriage should be an equitable trade -- since the relationship isn't ONE person, then ONE person can't make all of the decisions. You love a person for who they are, their limitations notwithstanding. If you find that one true love -- not only who "rocks your world", but who would love you equally -- in fair weather, and bitter despair. Would you hold hands, hug, kiss, playfully talk, grow and die together if you were dirt poor -- incalculably rich? Would you call that person friend -- true friend, sharing every detail of your life with her/him?
Would you tell them the bad things you did; the good things you did; what you wanted to do; what you'd like to do? Could you ask them for a favor, be glad to do them a favor? I think the faith -- lack of fullness, wholeness, complete friendship is a big cause of marriage failures.
"Money problems" is often cited, but there are many happy poor couples, who hobble together, slowly, surely, hand in hand, together. Death of your one true love only means you have to wait to see them again. You can see that person again, with you, the voice, essence, being. A friend would tell you when you are wrong, support you in need, pick you up when you are down. A friend loves you, no matter your "faults", for who you are matters more.
If you have a friend who is a spouse, then you have a great thing, all other limitations can be "worked around". If your spouse was not a deep, close, personal friend, then you aren't close enough. If you have a "I don't share this" with your spouse ... mate, one true love, then with whom do you share it?
In my case, while I shared much of me -- she needed me for survival -- for her frailty was self-perpetuated. She favored her sadness. I could not call her a friend when she needed more than the two of us combined. She could not give for she always needed. She was not, in the end, a friend on whom I could rely, not nearly close enough.
I write this because of a recent divorce of friends who seemed like a good couple. I don't know their story. I know of another couple who may split and a different couple whose non-marriage is indicative of its invalidity.
Other cases is that you have couples who never really were honest with each other and others didn't explore each other -- who each was, knowing yourself first, the other person second -- that person finding out about you what you didn't know.
damn
Either through asexual reproduction or through other means, my bills are ... well, mating or something.
I paid you.
I'm his little brother.
Well, looking at the dollar figure I wouldn't call you the "little" brother.
more debt ... yeah!
It looks like I'll be asking for any and all overtime at my new job.
oregano sasperilla (speaking forward in reverse)
clocks cleaned out with brushes and haste, mind aflutter, bats flee their roost
my cluttered mind filled with messes old, present and new from work
finally I can sweep my mind free of them
lost to me
I am sad -- my ties to a few people will be severed
I am not sorry I am going, but rather sorry that I don't get to contact these good people
I know heartily they will not seek out me
____________________________
With a promise of a good day and time off for good behavior and work, I shall finish two resumes for people, begin again grant searching for business grants so that I might consult on my off hours
So much to do, 'so much to say, so much to say'+
+ Dave Matthews
pwescious
bloodshot eyes and a taste for conversation lead me to friends at Granite City tonight. I met up with friends I haven't seen in year and talked a good bit. Good news about Jeff & Paula -- Joshua was early. Congratulations to them, now three, this new family!
Gosh ... friends or be with new family ...
flip coin
huh, family came up first ... imagine that! Good choice!
Anyway, expensive, but neat Granite City was ok. I liked the staff, the night, the reminiscing and our happy spirits. With a short line of drinks I favored Miller Light, who would have guessed?
Anyway, it was great seeing Tim, Todd, Mike, Keith, Dave (who was able to get away). Cheers and may we met up again!
word to the wise
When at a hotel, do not rest your key card next to your cell phone or other credit cards as it may become demagnetized. I experienced this twice. I think I have learned my lesson.
Monday, February 04, 2008
fog rain pain... friend lost
fog rain pain... friend lost her job today. gloomy in so many ways. at least she knows she can call me. an ear
seeing eye kid
There was a family last night who came in, party of four ... one on a leash. Now, I've seen child leashes, generally something attached to the wrist, but some are on a harness (nylon or cotton/poly). This family had a leather leash, like a dog, attached to their child. I was filled with disgust. Look, I can understand that RARE children are otherwise very difficult to control. Resorting to a leather leash ... the issue lies not with the child, but the lack-of parenting.
to make some one happy ...
On my other arm I wrote, "Tigger Lover"
It is rough, not very good, but done in 3 minutes. It produced the desired effect ... a laugh, a smile.
short time there
I sense implications coming .. I'll accept them with gratitude.
"I'm going to hell", because I didn't want to drive back !stinking! town to return later in possibly bad !stinking! weather. "I'm going to hell" more likely because of doubt, not sin ... for redemption and salvation keeps you alive, not being good.
I'm going to use a hotel. I've stayed there before. It was quite comfortable. I like the ground floor better, but ... it is "all good". The staff there are friendly, sadly I've never had the chance to see the pool. My work hours eliminate my chance to relax fully at the hotel. It's clean, fresh, calm. It shall be my last stay in that town, to my knowledge. I missed out on the whirlpool room ... only $10 more.
Some other hotels within a block are $25 - $40 more. Yikes. I bid thee ado Worktown starts with W
Westchester, Washington, Williamsburg, Westboro, whatever
WTF and bad line of thinking
"would you have done it if her husband were standing there?The recipient of the massage is not and has not been married. It's really charming that you should bring this up though.
mmmno... no you wouldn't have.
hell... that's where you're goin'."
If, when I held her arm across her belly so that I didn't touch her wrongfully, would that have been a problem?
If I mentioned that her boyfriend could finish other areas like her legs, as those were areas I wasn't doing, was that wrongful? If after the massage, she talks candidly about a personal doctor's appointment and her fears about it, is that wrongful?
I guess I should have pointed out the obvious that it wasn't sexual ... like the title said. I guess I should have written that I tried to get this young lady to think about a situation that was worrisome. In that I stated that I had stuff for her if she pursued the same vocation as I had (teaching).
I should have explained my wonder as to how someone could be so willing to be physically intimate with another person, yet be closed off -- telling little of themselves (herself), hidden in a "you wouldn't want to know", in other words, 'I'm not saying'. My point of the post was just that. How the @#%%@% you got going to hell for inappropriate conduct with a woman without her husband around is, well odd.
I'm happy you get to damn others. I wouldn't want the job. I'd never get it right.
Sunday, February 03, 2008
Sloppy driver out of luck
I pulled into town and there was a car off the road on the exit ramp. The young driver was wearing only shorts. "I'm going to a basketball game" was his claim. His cell phone was about out. I let him borrow mine. He didn't have AAA, and called a friend to come pick him up to take him to the game. Bad luck, dude!
sensual, intimacy
There was no sex. I massaged someone at work today. She'd never had anyone massage her before. That's a damn shame -- she's sweet and great! I tried to soothe her -- relax her, rub away her pain. While her pain remained, she was soothed, calmed. I don't feel ashamed, but rather stronger.
should the need arise
Well, "I need" are the words, unspoken, but known. I've had an "I need" semi-permanent situation before. Rather like potholes on the street -- never enough, never complete, always, always, always. Hmmm.
In lighter news, I get the impression that I'll be missed, but despite the donation of my phone number, no one has called, so ... just a nice little thanks and out is fine.
Last flexing
Sunday 3:00 - 9:30
Monday 5:00 - close
Tuesday 11:00 - 5:00
Wednesday 5:00 - close
Thursday 5:00 - close
Friday 2:00 - 10:00
Saturday 5:00 - close
Sunday 4:00 - 9:00
Saturday, February 02, 2008
What's so special about the second?
It's Groundhog Day ... again, and welcome to lovely Indiana where bouts of Winter are mild and generally just dreary with clouds and invisible sun. On the bright side, there are fewer accidents and there's generally a more upbeat atmosphere. Moreover, on a personal note this year is birth year of Christopher and Joshua+ as early as they are. So, six more weeks of moderate Winter like normal. I like this year so far. It has had many ups and few downs. Thanks God for the ups ... last year was a downer, for sure!
+ technically not yet as of this writing
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