Here's my card

but all I see is the back end of a horse ...
oh, I get it.

One guy at work reminded me that he is a big ass.

playing chicken with a truck

On my way to work, I saw a chicken truck ... piled high racks of chickens. On my way back from work, I saw a moron driving his truck trying to get close enough to touch the semi truck that was driving ... both going around 42 miles per hour through town. Smart, right?

Fly flies then dies

Thank You

Then one time at the lake

Jessica and Lori wanted to waxing my problem hair areas. I agreed as long as I could get plenty zonked. I stopped drinking and good thing too for they were at the store for a long, long time. When they returned I was sober and in no way agreeing to rapid follicle extraction.

Thanks to Daniel Shelton who creates Ben for this comic.

SLAP!

So I found out which lines don't work very well.

1. There's a party in my pants, want to cum?
2. Live with me if you want to cum!
3. Cum with me if you want to live!
4. One time, in my pants ... (said like American Pie's "one time at Band Camp ...)
5. When you slapped me in the face, I thought you were warming up your seat.
6. I believe in safe sex on my latex air mattress bed.
7. Need help going down on the stairs?
8. It doesn't matter, I'll act thespian or lesbian for you.
9. I enjoy great thighs, breasts, and ribs, but I don't eat meat.
10. I was just warming my hands.
11. I was practicing pencil sharpening.
12. It was standing at attention awaiting orders.

like a sugar high

I think my pangs for her are waning now. Thank goodness. It helped that she wore a really ugly lipstick color. I think it was "fatlip" color from the Mike Tyson cosmetic company. When she's worn more natural lip color ... with her general appearance ... ummm, yum. What attracts me isn't her visage, but rather her. When I've spoken with her, she's interesting, has ideals and hasn't had the bit of luck to show her great potential.

There's another woman there who's the local hottie, but she's a puzzle with missing pieces that would take you years to assemble. She's had an unhappy life-- so there's luggage, baggage, and a void (needing to be filled). Too much, too much for me thanks! The other little hottie is still teen-thinking in many respects. Dude, grapes aren't wine, there's a process that's missing there.

Still, the woman there who invades my dreams ... hm. If only reality were more malleable -- I'd change me.

uh huh (noddng of head)

So there was a family who nodded heads as they were asked questions. I had to think of where I saw it before. It was in Men in Black when Agent K and Agent D stopped a truck with illegals. There was an alien that didn't speak Spanish. It was the same.

Did you want nuclear capability with this?
nod

Would you like to nibble on my bottom?
nod

What is the capital of Peru?
nod

Look! The problem was, "yes" or nodding was the wrong answer. Had one of you understood English or responded, "no comprende", I would have tried something else, but you did neither. Flakes! Sunzabichesbumpises!

YouTube thinks I'm a loser

I have no subscribers, no friends, geez! I get it!

Dear FBI,

Listen to this:

"Flush" and other bathroom noises. If you want to listen in to what I'm saying, then "I hope [you] have a good appetite for it"+. I'll host chips, celery, and dry root beer so you can hear deafening crunching and microphone-breaking belches. Why don't you just call it what it is, 'spying'.

"Okay, the HEROIN shipment is quite large."++

+ Charles Dickens, "Christmas Carol"
++ Lethal Weapon

He's got a funny kind of humor

There was a rush of late night business, as is typical of Sunday, mixed with other nuisances ... I stayed later. The one guy, noting the "lack of personnel" scheduled for that time stated, [the GM] "has an odd sense of humor". Yeah ... the butt and the kicking and the butt was us. The butt end of the joke.

You want some more crap to do, do you?
No.

Good, 'cause here it is ..
I'll do a Milton Waddams, "No, you see I can't move any more ... I uh..."+

+ Office Space, 'stapler guy' who kept getting moved into smaller areas.

wow

T:  2:00 - 9:00

W:  2:00 - 9:00

R:  8:30 am - 4:00

F:  4:00 - 11:00

Saturday:  OFF

N:  11:00 - 8:00

M: 5:00 - Close

Curse it!

Would we, could we, in your car? Front seat, back seat, is it far?

.....

That's it! I'm hoping to get blown off by her, turned down and shot down in flames. It would save me from thinking about her. It would be so much easier if she said, "hell no" to dating, then I could relax and not think about her. ARGH!

I'm not supposed to date anyone there, and for good reason, but man -- can't get her out of my mind.... crap!

I can't get you out of my head!

radio for the dimwitted

Rush was on a radio in one room when I was popping back and forth and I heard, "If your child wants to be a chemist; encourage him; if your child wants to be an accountant, encourage her." He went on to say, essentially promote progress in your children. If you need a blow hard jerk like Rush Limbaugh to tell you anything, especially how to raise children -- you're too stupid to exist. I would call it a wonder that you survived this long.

bueno Juan, Russell

Burrito boy nets news coverage and sniper team told to stand down. What was believed to be a weapon was a homework assignment ... carried in several layers.

Dude, so are so not living this down. Bummer!

cook, thief, and her lover

Where I work, cook, is simple.  The thief is a person at work who may or may not have stolen something.  Her lover is either me to the insatiable flirt at work or the woman at work for whom I have a strange, dream consuming, hunger.

 

The clue was, what the lover thought she saw, the thief, and the cook to whom she reported it.

 

Wild rumors and sudden impact and the realization that things work on a geological speed, political committees meeting before anything is really done.

high on highway

I have to pass a paint manufacturing plant. For months, nothing, but as of 10 days ago ... every day there is the rankness of aerosol paint in the air at that place. Eww!! "I'm gonna get high --- high!"+

+ Platoon

drawn to it

Okay, maybe it's also a sexual thing in my head, but I am drawn to it (ha ha), especially when the background is blue and the "spot" is white. I don't think I'm off the mark here.

gesture

At work a woman was talking about "hand dipped" corndogs and made a masturbatory, or stroking motion when saying it. She was unaware of doing so, but ... I think it will be a long time before I forget such a thing. Too darn funny!

Dietician's tip

"All you can eat" is not a tossing of gauntlet challenge for you to meet. It is, rather, a way for you to try many different items paying just one price. The world's or nation's eating competition champion is not four hundred, three hundred pounds, but rather thin. So, you can't match him -- give up on the "meaty boy" champ ideal. Just sample stuff, not stuff your face daily.

Oh, and dressing and gravy are not soup. They are actually condiments or augmentations for other food to blend flavors, rather than an unconventional beverage with your meal. When the ladle or spoon is too small, then your appetite is too big.

It's a bloody shame that I see the rhinos come out to all you can eat, being near sighted they can be prone to anger.

Also, don't get pissed about not being able to smoke. Look, my answer to the question, "can I smoke here" is yes ... if you're on fire, in which case I will either put you out with P-E-T-R-O-L or an extinguisher.