I don't know why -- stupid headlines

You might ask, why this is funny, I don't know -- syntax?

Army recommends death in Iraq slayings

--- news --- petty, evil

Suspect charged in burglary of zoo Subway

An 18-year-old man accused of stealing meat, cheese and potato chips from a restaurant at the [city] Children’s Zoo was formally charged Tuesday with burglary.

Cale Carnahan, of the 3700 block of Schele Avenue, broke into the zoo about 9:30 p.m. Aug. 10 and forcibly entered the Subway within the property, a probable cause affidavit said. Carnahan took several packages of meat, cheese and several bags of potato chips, the affidavit said.
Carnahan was being held at the County Jail in lieu of $10,000 bail.

--- and this man's alive, why ---

Finally, a man told police that at about 10 p.m. his 6-year-old daughter was molested by a registered sex offender. The man said the girl hit his face when he tried to kiss her goodnight because she thought he was another man who touches her, a police report said. Police confirmed the man is a convicted sex offender and registered and made plans to contact him. The offender’s identity was not released in the report.

--- replace each instance ---

With two incumbents declining to seek re-election, there’s a 10-way race for two at-large seats and a three-way contest for the District 1 post. In addition, incumbent Kweku Akan faces a challenge from Kevin Brown for the District 4 seat.