What you won't be getting

You're looking at the job wishin' you could work there, but you're stitin' jobless at home like Poindexter.
Thanks for advertising this job after it's done. That's one more job you won't be getting.

+ thanks to Young MC for inspiration

Tasting these twice (new dialogue on old strip)

Flash instinctively hunts for food. Sadly, he chooses people. His good friend the doctor reminds him that they packed for for the trip.

What's a man doing with a compact?

Character becomes suicidal. He wanted to be an actor, but instead landed a role in a B sci-fi series, likely later to be cast in B horror movies.

Ring the doorbell and run!

Security is already drunk when the good guys try to sneak past. The security is on a 72-hour workday and bender.

swimsuit wedgie

swimsuit wedgie
Originally uploaded by MDH, II.

Man do I hate wedgies! Aparently cartoon characters get them too. Man I wish I could sleep!

labeling my house

Well, it isn't my house and I shouldn't keep explosives, but if I did ... this would be the way to go. That way, in case anyone wanted TNT, dynamite, gasoline, dry gun powder or anything like that, it would be there. I keep it tucked away in the woods. Certainly nothing could go wrong.

pardom me now, while I pee me pants with laughter

Wanna B Ur Lovr
by Al Yankovic

Lyrics:

I don't have a library card
But do you mind if I check you out?
I like your skeletal structure, baby
You're an ectomorph, no doubt

Your face is real symmetrical
And your nostils are so nice
I wish that I was cross-eyed, girl
So I could see you twice

Girl, you smell like Fritos
That's why I'm giving you this hungry stare
You're so hot, you're gonna melt
The elastic in my underwear

I'll bet you're magically delicious
Like a bowl of Lucky Charms
You'd look like Venus de Milo
If I just cut off your arms
What I'm tryin' to say is ...

I wanna be your lover, baby
I need somebody to love
You know I just wanna be your lover, baby
Now, I need somebody to love

Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo
Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo
Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo
Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo

Do you believe in love at first sight
Or should I walk by again?
My love for you'd like diarrhea
I just can't hold it in

Stop, drop and roll now
'Cause baby, you're on fire
I'll bet your outfit
Makes a lot of noise in the drier

You're absolutely perfect
Don't speak now, you might spoil it
Your eyes are even bluer
Than the water in my toilet

Say, has anyone ever told you
You've got Yugoslavian hands?
No, of course not, that would be stupid
Just forget I ever brought it up
The point I'm trying to make is ...

I wanna be your lover, baby
I need somebody to love
You know I just wanna be your lover, baby
Now, I need somebody to love

Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo
Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo
Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo
Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo

I wanna be your Krakatoa
Let my lava flow all over you
I wanna be your anaconda
And your heat-seeking missile too

I wanna be your beef burrito
Am I making this perfectly clear?
I wanna be your love torpedo
Are you picking up the subtle innuendo here?
Uh huh

I hope I'm not being forward
But do you mind if I chew on your butt?
You can tell me truthfully
Am I a steamin' hunk of love now, or what?

There just aren't enough o's in "smooth"
To desribe how smooth I am
Maybe you've seen my picture
It's in the dictionary under "Kablaam!"

My lips are registered weapons
Can I invade your personal space?
You must have fallen from heaven
That would explain how you messed up your face

Well, how'd you get through security?
'Cause, baby, you're the bomb
I'd like to take you home right now
So you can meet my mom
Because I ...

I wanna be your lover, baby
I need somebody to love
You know I just wanna be your lover, baby
Now, I need somebody to love

Girl, you must be Jamaican
Because Jamaican me crazy
Girl, you must be Jamaican (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo)
Because Jamaican me crazy (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo)

I wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo)
I need somebody to love (Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo)
You know I just wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo)
Now, I need somebody to love (Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo)

I wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo)
I need somebody to love (Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo)
You know I just wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo)
Now, I need somebody to love (Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo)

I wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo)
I need somebody to love (Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo)
You know I just wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo)
Now, I need somebody to love (Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo)

I wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo)
I need somebody to love (Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo)
You know I just wanna be your lover, baby (Girl, you must be Jamaican) (Ooh hoo hoo, ooh hoo hoo)
Now, I need somebody to love (Because Jamaican me crazy) (Ooh hoo hoo, hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo)

Where the questions lead to questions

Which word can you eliminate ?
Car
Plane
Bike
Boat
....

[car: because it has a short vowel; bike: because it is not motorized; boat: because it doesn't have wheels]

 ....

If you buy 3 trousers worth 23€30 each with a 50€ note, how much change are you left with?
13,1€
12,2€
14,6€
11,3€

....

[are these Euros?  I see 23.30 * 3 =  69.90 which won't result in change for a 50]

....

Solve the following analogy :
LAVA is to VOLCANO what WATER is to ?
freeze
mountain
valley
chimney
source
lake

...

[typical response is lake, but a volcano doesn't technically contain the lava.  Clouds would be a better choice here.  Source would be good, but there's the lack of definition]

...

Please mark the word not matching the others :
Whale
Shark
Herring
Dolphin
Pike

....

[whale is a common answer for it is a mammal -- please note that there is a dolphin fish, also common would be pike for it is a freshwater fish as opposed to oceanic; shark would work because they are only jaws, no other bones]

....

This shape was turned over upside-down, then swivelled, what is the result ?

....

["swiveled"?  What's swiveled?]

...

Which is the missing drawing ?

...

[I met my match here]

...

Find the word written in the direct direction (of the needles of a watch) as well as the missing letter :

...

["written in direct direction", you're losing me here -- not a clue]

...

Which shape does not match the others ?
Circle
Cube
Triangle
Square
Rhombus

....

[cube is 3 dimensional; circle has no sides and not vertices]

...

Which face part does not match the others ?
Eye
Ear
Cheek
Nose
Eyebrow

...

[there is a hinted symmetry here; Whoopi Goldberg would fail -- nose (one); eyebrow typically considered hair is a non-feature]

...

Which word does not match the others ?
Copper
Tin
Iron
Bronze
Lead

...

[bronze is an alloy, of course; lead not used in weapon usage but doesn't corrode (and floats like great gravy)

....

 

Confessions of a reader

I started getting this 7 years ago and am not disappointed in receiving it.

The director's perspective has interesting factoids on African Americans and HIV prevalence. One might assume that to maintain a same-mass/volume brain, one should heavily abuse and use Crystal Meth while infected with AIDS. No, not really. I think, end game, don't use drugs, don't get AIDS--as if you needed to be told. Some of the work on cigarette addiction, basis and differences in men and women are fascinating. Worth a read and free online, I'm not sure where you subscribe to the printed version.

Scoring 50.4

Duh ... dat makes me schtoopid! IQ test.

Shame for Sale

Unabomber auction? What the heck is that? Oh, boy! A used, unremarkable knife next to another used unremarkable knife. Typewriter and paper, having a value of $22 to someone, somehow becomes super valuable because a serial bomber used it. I guess if I had AIDS, I could become a crime boss and my loved ones could sell off my belongings for high profit, while I die or after I die -- hopefully in a blaze of glory as opposed to a slow, withering, agonizing death. This, I think, sets a bad presidence.

James Potty (revised)

James Potty wanders down the stairs to find a woman tied up naked on a mattress. He response is quick and dimwitted.

using keyword elimination

Career Builder's keyword elimination didn't work -- at least what I tried. "Bullcrap" does not filter out bad jobs.

What is he doing to that watermelon? (very rude and groos, warning not to read further)

When they said you should be more creative and maybe include other senses in your love-making, perhaps food -- that wasn't what they meant.
So, isn't that guy including food into his sex?
Uh ... no. He's replaced food as a partner. Equally gross would be Fat Bastard eating a buffet on the right and your lover/mate on the left. That's really not including food in your sex.
Then there's the 500 pound people who have replaced food for their sex.
Of course, we could have an overszed hammer slamming onto the watermelon, coating each person during sex with watermelon parts -- somewhat including food and sex, but in a hackneyed way.

Please, don't play with your food on your plate, though food play is okay. Also, don't ***k your food.

generally cooking shows

are adult Mister Rogers. Boy were they novel when they first appeared, but now. I'll show you how to make salad. Huh? How can anyone need help making salad? That's like needing help making soup or cereal. Salad: choose vegetables that you like to eat raw ... chop into bite-size pieces, mix with 30-50% lettuce (not iceberg -- for it's a waste of a vegetable) with any adornments -- fruits, figs, nutes, croutons, cheeses; if you like diced egg -- bacon, chicken add that too. I don't need a recipe. If you buy a salad recipe, then you should be equally interested in a mint condition 1956 Forenza.

Cooking shows might be the best thing on in the afternoon, but if that's so ... turn off the TV. I have, and I feel happier for it. I tried watching it, but hey, I know my colors, so I don't watch teletubbies. I'm not entertained by TV. Cooking shows -- yawn and painful, headache-inducing rot. I'll fan this, tell you how good it smells. Really?! So, when you bite into it, I should understand that it tastes good? It's like anything -- tell you when to laugh, smile, feel, taste, smell. I'm not quite that stupid.

sloth and rejection

Thank you for applying and your interest in joining the staff of K’s Merchandise. You submitted your resume in response to an ad for a Human Resource Specialist in our SOMECITY location.  After reviewing and interviewing several outstanding candidates, we have been able to fill this position.  This has been a difficult decision; I apologize for any delay in our response to you.

 

If a position comes available in the future that you would be interested in, please contact us.  Applications and resumes are kept on file for one year.

 

I wish you the best of luck in your search for employment.

 

Sincerely,

 

HUMAN RESOURCE PERSON
K's Merchandise
Corporate Human Resource Manager

----

key in now, Price is Right defeat/failure music

Buddy Nasrallah

Nasrallah announces new, "Buddy Allah" to liven up Allah's image and make him more obtainable to today's youth.
With a wink and a smile (thumb over a trigger) he bring Jihad and peace.

TMNT (untrue stories) ep. 2

turles in in a half-pike, no. Turtles in the G.I. (system)

TMNT (the untrue stories) ep. 1

It's even funnier when you have seen Strange Brew with Bob & Doug McKenzie and the beer vat scene.

really old school picture

really old school picture
Originally uploaded by MDH, II.

I'm not sure that I see TS in here. I know he was in the class. Likely, it was a day he pulled a no show.

Thanks MR for recovering this old photo to be later used in FBI files.

Our teacher got the hey away from that school. I remember him walking into Walletbuster and there he told me about his being on sebatlical -- or finding different employment while maintaining first-dibs on teaching position there. He was nice, but never knew all of what went on in class. He would have quit sooner had he known.

Hassan Nasrallah finds a way to keep Israel out of Lebanon, Syria, and Jordan

There! Now Israel won't come in here! Good job guys! Allah is love ... ?

One more for good measure. Did Muhammad mention that the virgins would be extra crispy?

failed to deliver

Sound check! Yo! One, two, one, two! Turn my headphones up, man! Nah man! I ain't kiddin'! I can't hear man!
-----
I brought up a name, equally as distant and old as Boss Tweed, Pia Zadora. I mentioned to MR about a woman whom I've not seen or not talked to for 15 some years or more. One night, by random chance I spoke with her, briefly. True vanity, cuddled and loved like a favorite suffy is never surrendered. "Do you remember me", she asked.
I did remember her in existence only. I saw her once. I remember that ISJ was captivated by her legs and mentioned to me to look at them. They were not so remarkable that I remember thinking much of them.
"Did you think I had sexy legs when you saw me?"
Again -- I remember chewing gum at times in my life, sometime even the flavor given the atmotsphere of soda, popcorn, and having previously eaten a hamburger. I cannot remember this girl, nor really much more than a sketch of looking at legs in a Pizza Hut, but the light in the Pizza Hut on that 1 something o'clock afternoon was more memorable. I made the anaology that Pia Zadora's role in "The Lonely Lady" as being more memorable.
I responded to her question, "Yeah, I guess" (quite nearly a lie)
Quickly, as if ensaring a wandering rabbit in a trap, "I was only fourteen", she gasped out -- trying to belittle me or shame me.
It didn't work. I couldn't remember jack squat of her, let alone feel remorse for looking at her legs once when I was seven years her senior. It sounds bad until you know that she gaited around telling people that she was sixteen, and aparently suffering sexual abstinence pains.

I should have punched her back by divulging that I could better remember ants crawling on grass; an especially well cooked fish fillet; longer-confortable shoes I had in the 80's; an obscure TV commerical, than I could ever remember her. I wasn't so cruel or decisive, but let it slide, go, and am no better or worse for it. I'm not vain, though I have a misshapen ego (generally too large and lumpy to match reality) that impedes my thinking often.