misprints?

faster method

While the Ohio judicial system couldn't find a vein for a lethal injection, a man pointed out that bullets are more capable of finding difficult-to-find veins. While the suggestion was sadly dismissed, it is indeed a viable option that more states should take.

more errors

opened fired ... gooda Engrish

Obama reporter?

old man

well, if there is no one else I should pick on, perhaps I should be the target.
getting old stinks, especially when you look like this.

long time

incidently accidental?

In no way should this be considered, "flexible".

set designers ... not always your friends
they made a great pink giant concrete dildo for him
for reference, that's a stalactite he's holding

This isn't mine, but Iran is backward, no doubt about taht.Can I just work like, maybe, Sunday through Thursday? That really fits my schedule.

nice going for the vacation

MSNBC ... who's at the wheel there?

random stupid thoughts

I got a job as an imaginary estate agent. I don't have any clients yet.

I was asked my favorite position and I said, "fetal". Later on I found out they have an understood context that my response didn't answer.

I went to the unemployment office and am eligible for re-employment. Well, I already knew that.

I was angered when I saw my investment form ... I got a statement showing my 401 negative K. It was 401 Special K, but that was a lie too.

reminder of how weak you are

Tawnya got a puppy on Sunday. He was a cute little puppy who "didn't like men". Well, he took a liking to me and would follow me wherever I went. He wrestled with me, suckled on my arm and snuggled next to me.

That was Sunday, Monday, and part of Tuesday.

On Wednesday, his previously unrecognized parvo took a toll on him and he had to be put down.

It reminded me that we come into the world weak, and only with love, security, and luck do we survive any length of time.

Goodnight Scooby!

hive

Dad chopped down some limbs and branches from the sickly front tree. He didn't notice but I found a paper wasp nest. I showed Morgan, the little girl next door. She thought the larvae squirming around were funny. I suppose so. I usually don't harm things, including insects, but I know from experience that wasps can be aggressive and protect nests. Kids, especially, pay the price for the wasps' aggression. I sprayed the hive after I took the photo.

writing

I haven't written in a bit.

I am a bit beaten and feeling rundown. I look at the screen and have typers' block. I may soon write again. Maybe that and walking will make me feel like a person again.

planned to fail?

Maybe they should have someone edit their work.

poisoned

I got poison ivy and after the Calamine lotion, I look like a worker from a whale-semen collection facility. My arms are whitish pink with streaks rather like I shielded myself from a high-velocity discharge.

To add to it, my one section was leaking like an old radiator. Whoo! I suggest against getting poison ivy. I didn't really itch that much, but boy was it gross.

I have some medicine (anti-biotics) that should clear up my ivy and my body's reaction.

turn off the water works

Before a whole bunch of numbnuts start whining and complaining about some rapper being killed, let's look at his lyrics:

"Fettuccini pasta and all the other synonyms", while stupid, isn't violent. In fact most of his lyrics were violent, but there are always exceptions. "I done hit the cities and left jackals in the ambulance". Perhaps Dolla spent his last dollar, notice it ends with an "r", on something before being cashed out.

Shameful surrender to robots

I dub this leaving all senses and logic. This is truly insane! Professor plans on assigning robots to run fully auto on the battlefield. Well, Terminator as this might be, scarier is that he teaches at a university. Insane professor brings about the end of us all? "And in panic, they try to pull the plug..."

Child picking up a gun off the street ... target or to observe only?

Make a face!

"Mugshot Generator?"

wanderings

Tawnya found this in the woods. Stop here!

Good, wanted just what eye.
This translation needs work.

I've seen this on ASI (Animal Scene Investigation)

Broke, and hating it.

Movies that make you go, "pew"!

I read an application for a Facebook game, “Top 5 Worst Movies”. How could you possibly narrow it to five? I have certainly seen some stinkers and I will try to limit it to only a few. For the simplification, I will not mention sequels, which are notoriously worse than the original, if not just outright aggravating wastes of your time.

—Howard the Duck, while not the very worst movie of all time, it was foul (not fowl) in every sense of the word. It tried to be funny but came across like a depressed hobo clown holding an explosive.
—Hudson Hawk was so bad, I never made it through the hole thing. It made you call, “Die now” instead of McClain’s Die Hard.
—The Cat In The Hat; with Mike Myers was so annoying we muted it, fast-forwarded it, and it still was rotten. Man, why did they put that to film?
—Cemetery Man was creepy, bizarre and mostly unwatchable. The Dark Backward was bizzaro-world movie, but not as whack as Cemetery Man.
—Children of Men was cruel and unusual punishment to your mind and psyche. It was depressing, stupid, and like Blair Witch Project style filming with better equipment.
—Batman & Robin; I will make an exception to sequels here. Although Batman, with Michael Keaton wasn’t good, the following movies were puke-inducing. The worst was with reminders that Uma Thurman is cute but cinches the movie’s failure as much as the rest of it.
—Friday 13th series was stupid. The first one (not the remake) was the only one to have something like a plot, being that the mother had multiple schizoid episodes. Where the writers were puffing and blowing then snorting then licking LSD and angel-dust, thy rolled out Jason X. What could be scarier than a spaceship with … a Chicago area killer, Jason who used to hunt co-eds in the woods?
—Judge Dread made me turn off the TV and my friends and I all pick on the movie during and afterword for about four hours. Stalone, stop making movies!
—Pokemon, while made for kids, also was a great sleep aid. My niece was on my lap while the boys watched this mind-numbing action-lapse laden, monotonous, go-nowhere lump of color that introduced – a new, rare, overpriced toy.
—Nothing But Trouble had, as I remember two things funny, but in hindsight, the sweaty-palm badness and tequila-retching aftershock completely blocked my memory of anything that might have been “enjoyable”.
—Godzilla with Matthew Broderick was terrible in so many ways. It forced you to hate it all. NYC is attacked and the military isn’t called in, nor is the President of the United States ever called. To top the errors of the sneaky, fifty to seventy-five foot Godzilla who can hide, the makers made it cute and lovable. You felt sorry when it was killed.

Steven Seagal, Pauly Shore; do I have to mention any titles?

—Problem Child was proof that John Ritter would take terrible roles for money. This was Dennis the Menace written by Dennis, directed by Dennis, and ruined by Dennis, too. Although they tried to make you feel some warm-fuzzies, you wanted, more than your third-worst enemy, to strangle the kid and end the movie mid-way.
—Dumb And Dumberer should have tipped me off that it was going to be bad, but I, to this day have not and will not watch any part of this movie more than the crap I already saw.
—The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen had potential, but then they dropped the script in dog crap. They cleaned it off somewhat, then dropped it in the toilet. With less of it readable, they proceeded to make the movie, only to have half fall into a garbage disposal and the other half shredded in a fan.
—The Blue Lagoon was a romance movie? No, it was a boring, quasi-incestuous tale of two kids, nudity, sickeningly billed as a fourteen or fifteen year-old naked. Sure, I and my same-aged guys wanted to see Brooke Shield, CK model, naked. What you got was heavy-petting by, yep, a body double. Darn! They didn’t fool me.
—Freejack was so bad, kids as young as 3 throw pillows at it in disgust. I think adults and kids alike called, “I wanna go outside and play”.
—Last Action Hero was … uh, well, much like your restroom visit after drinking a foreign nation’s water. I think you get what I mean.
—Christmas With The Kranks had potential, but within five minutes you knew the movie was gonna stink. Boy! It delivered stink like skunks on the warpath.
—Epic Movie made me cringe to sit watching it. I ached to march off to the knife drawer to slash all nerve endings. It was supposed to be satire, but ended up being quagmire of outhouse and pasture.

drivin' me nuts

Robot Chicken, Adult Swim.

Reverand Wonderment

I am a man of the Ring-around-the-collar. While the church is not well-renowned, nor well, known, I have in-fact, been ordained. Now, if I could just find some happy simple couple to marry. I think Dave knows of an eager couple.

I told people, but generally I got this response.

Is that a cold beer you're hold or is the unnecessary censoring funny?

booty, sylvan learning, auto insurance ... nice ad placement

send a Mom's card, albeit a bit late

This old house

Monkeyjack removed a wall.

"You see, what you got there is a portal to another dimension."+

+ House II

drinkdiculous

Maybe 21 shots for 21 years was a big mistake after all. Dude, I'm so sorry that I yacked on you.

+ scene from Star Trek, "Operation, Annihilate!"
++ you just can't beat last minute special effects, like fake barf

Happy Mother's Day!

When my prayers were poorly said,
who tucked me in me widdle bed
and spanked me butt til it was red?
.......Me Mudder!

In the morning,
when the lights would come
and in me crib me dribbled some,
who wiped me widdle tiny bun?
.......Me Mudder!

Who took me from my cozy cot
and placed me on me ice cold pot
and made me pee-pee
when me could not?
.......Me Mudder!

Who's hair so gently she would part
and hold me tightly to her heart
and sometimes squeeze me
til I'd.....fart?
.......Me Mudder!

Who looked at me with eyebrows
drooped, and screamed and yelled
til she had the croup when in
me Sunday pants I...pooped?
.......Me Mudder!

And at night when the bed did squeak
and me raised me head to have a peek
who yelled at me to go to sleep?
.......Me Fadder!!!!!

stupid and random

You have a gun, you have a target, uh ... shoot.
I think that creature needs some salt phaser. You better load it up on that.
Well, you think I'm crazy now? Wait til you bill me when I don't have money.
It is an odd placement for an ad. Robert Paattison listed under an online game for a pervert.

paid to play

The neighbor kids bade me hello and the girl was bored. I helped her into the tree and she was proud to show her mommy how she can jump off safely onto the ground. Later, she and I dug for worms. She had to go eat, then go to Wal-Mart. She presented me with a gift. It was a nice treat.

She's young, don't critic the spelling, please.

3 things

Well, Charlie looked at a Christmas ornament from Star Trek's "City on the Edge of Tomorrow" and said, "look, Wiggles".

Quickphale McGraw

nIc go-ing guyz. This is a page from Charlie's homework. While the idea is to show long and short vowels, it is, nonetheless, full of errors. The first one I saw in 3 seconds was I lIke to ride or "I like to rid". The other obvious ones are sl I de and th E.

Do you need an editor? I'll take the job, thanks!

GM isn't done screwing over America

Just wait, they'll make more ... money overseas. After taking lots and lots of bailout money, GM has decided it would be wiser to build cars overseas and leaves the workforce in America out of many jobs. Tough luck, suckers.

"You, the taxpayers, can get double your money back if you can find the ace." Of course, if the ace were one of the cards, you might stand a chance. GM gives us the 3 Card Monte and we play it anyway.

GM, you owe America the money -- NOW. Keeping an America company afloat by not employing Americans. That's a clever plan.

Charlie

He broke his foot on one day, then some time later, decorated his first cake.

clean swing

Tawnya and I headed out to the park to walk. It was good, fun, mixed with bad timing. The stinking bikes were flying through the woods on a race. They cared little for what and who got struck.

There was a vine hanging down. I remembered swinging on these things when I was young, so -- again, my fat belly and butt tried it. Tawnya was hesitant at first, but relented and had a good time.

She is great! She's bold, adventuresome, and a part of me I will not let go without a fight. She joked that the bra we found in the woods to be someone we knew. The person quickly responded, "That's not mine! That's not my size"! Of course, we were kidding.

Poker night

We played several games of poker. This time we played with chips and Mike came out the winner. Jeff hosted and presented us with lots to eat. We all ate well, drank some and played so-so.




Two defining games were: "Up and Down the River" aka Marcus always loses game, and "Screw Your Neighbor". The In-Between I chose lasted far too long. "... River" game saw many dealers pay out to the players. Wicked, unpredictable, non-strategy game.


The end of the evening was a bit more risque. My love called me and the guys gave me heck about the sweet talking I did. No sooner did I finish, then Monkeyjack did the same sticking thing. While I was in restroom, Monkeyjack did something naughty.

He tried to trick my love into thinking it was me, sending her a dirty message. She knew it wasn't me, but later continued a conversation with Dave. We shared the whole conversation, filthy as it was. My love actually held back, not wanting to shock or offend anyone.

Ahem, that's my love!

Thanks all! It was a fun night!