Movies that make you go, "pew"!

I read an application for a Facebook game, “Top 5 Worst Movies”. How could you possibly narrow it to five? I have certainly seen some stinkers and I will try to limit it to only a few. For the simplification, I will not mention sequels, which are notoriously worse than the original, if not just outright aggravating wastes of your time.

—Howard the Duck, while not the very worst movie of all time, it was foul (not fowl) in every sense of the word. It tried to be funny but came across like a depressed hobo clown holding an explosive.
—Hudson Hawk was so bad, I never made it through the hole thing. It made you call, “Die now” instead of McClain’s Die Hard.
—The Cat In The Hat; with Mike Myers was so annoying we muted it, fast-forwarded it, and it still was rotten. Man, why did they put that to film?
—Cemetery Man was creepy, bizarre and mostly unwatchable. The Dark Backward was bizzaro-world movie, but not as whack as Cemetery Man.
—Children of Men was cruel and unusual punishment to your mind and psyche. It was depressing, stupid, and like Blair Witch Project style filming with better equipment.
—Batman & Robin; I will make an exception to sequels here. Although Batman, with Michael Keaton wasn’t good, the following movies were puke-inducing. The worst was with reminders that Uma Thurman is cute but cinches the movie’s failure as much as the rest of it.
—Friday 13th series was stupid. The first one (not the remake) was the only one to have something like a plot, being that the mother had multiple schizoid episodes. Where the writers were puffing and blowing then snorting then licking LSD and angel-dust, thy rolled out Jason X. What could be scarier than a spaceship with … a Chicago area killer, Jason who used to hunt co-eds in the woods?
—Judge Dread made me turn off the TV and my friends and I all pick on the movie during and afterword for about four hours. Stalone, stop making movies!
—Pokemon, while made for kids, also was a great sleep aid. My niece was on my lap while the boys watched this mind-numbing action-lapse laden, monotonous, go-nowhere lump of color that introduced – a new, rare, overpriced toy.
—Nothing But Trouble had, as I remember two things funny, but in hindsight, the sweaty-palm badness and tequila-retching aftershock completely blocked my memory of anything that might have been “enjoyable”.
—Godzilla with Matthew Broderick was terrible in so many ways. It forced you to hate it all. NYC is attacked and the military isn’t called in, nor is the President of the United States ever called. To top the errors of the sneaky, fifty to seventy-five foot Godzilla who can hide, the makers made it cute and lovable. You felt sorry when it was killed.

Steven Seagal, Pauly Shore; do I have to mention any titles?

—Problem Child was proof that John Ritter would take terrible roles for money. This was Dennis the Menace written by Dennis, directed by Dennis, and ruined by Dennis, too. Although they tried to make you feel some warm-fuzzies, you wanted, more than your third-worst enemy, to strangle the kid and end the movie mid-way.
—Dumb And Dumberer should have tipped me off that it was going to be bad, but I, to this day have not and will not watch any part of this movie more than the crap I already saw.
—The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen had potential, but then they dropped the script in dog crap. They cleaned it off somewhat, then dropped it in the toilet. With less of it readable, they proceeded to make the movie, only to have half fall into a garbage disposal and the other half shredded in a fan.
—The Blue Lagoon was a romance movie? No, it was a boring, quasi-incestuous tale of two kids, nudity, sickeningly billed as a fourteen or fifteen year-old naked. Sure, I and my same-aged guys wanted to see Brooke Shield, CK model, naked. What you got was heavy-petting by, yep, a body double. Darn! They didn’t fool me.
—Freejack was so bad, kids as young as 3 throw pillows at it in disgust. I think adults and kids alike called, “I wanna go outside and play”.
—Last Action Hero was … uh, well, much like your restroom visit after drinking a foreign nation’s water. I think you get what I mean.
—Christmas With The Kranks had potential, but within five minutes you knew the movie was gonna stink. Boy! It delivered stink like skunks on the warpath.
—Epic Movie made me cringe to sit watching it. I ached to march off to the knife drawer to slash all nerve endings. It was supposed to be satire, but ended up being quagmire of outhouse and pasture.