I got very frustrated working on my sister's house. I got so mad, I began to favor losing faith than just coping with the stupidities of the situation. I was impassioned with anger. Satan's rapture? Anyway, I started getting angry with God. Yep, He was to blame for the inane and mundane randomness for the whole universe. Look, I tore a paper, that's God's fault. Then a series of under-the-surface thoughts came in with "why do good people suffer", "why is there hunger in the world", "why is there murder and rape". There are, of course, no easy answers.
If I thought that God knew everything, facilitated everything, and could intervene at any time, why not to people suffering? I started with my shaking fist at the stupidity of getting the titles into position. Then any little thing after that got me more bitter. It was a lot easier to blame God than to accept that I could cope with stupid crap.
By the end of two days, I was a bit better and less out of sorts. While I don't understand how stubbing my toe at 2:00 in the morning really pans out to God's ultimate plan for the universe, nor the rape and torture of people+ helping humanity to get to God, I am not as bitter, for sure.
Even if I lose faith, allowing it to slip from my heart and mind, I will not lead others to follow. Without hope, faith, direction, compassion, structure (including law), a person is in an anarchial hell. Without the goal of helping the whole species and moreover all species of the planet, why live? If a person is without purpose, they will die sooner and more miserably. How could I support that? Regardless if I let my faith die, I shall not encourage others to follow.
+ my mind played out the situation of a man (father for example) who rapes an infant. So, the infant deserved the torture because it was born with original sin ... no; bullshit; wrong! Where was God on the child's behalf? This is a question that bugs me.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
on losing faith and questions no one can answer
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2 comments:
You know, I thought the near, "Hulk smash" thing would capture people -- thinking, hey, that's not really thinking! It is acting on emotion like I posted.
Yes, I'm serious that I am losing my faith for other reasons, using this as a simpleton's intro. The inane and minor things are of only minor bits of my life. Those things hardly impact my life, let alone anyone else's or the world or globally or universally.
My anger over nothing is just that -- nothing. I do, however have questions I have to answer. I have some attachment to my feelings and religion, less so than most, but I have them. It will be a sad day if those feelings die.
More distraction, less evaluation/re-evaluation/over-evaluation. You can only refry the beans so many times. Distraction = job. You apparently need a job in the proximity of young women, as that seems to be your motivater (this little girl gave me a hug and a picture, this girl at work has problems and confided in me... etc.) Your last job didn't have that and Boss Johnson was probably right when he said you didn't like it.
Although it might seem like you have a lot of problems, you probably have one cascading problem.
Job... w/female coworkers.
Alternately, you might take the downtime to go back to get recertified and start subbing again.
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