It was my week. Borrowing my own money seems to be a difficulty. If MetLife were close by, I'd drive there and finish up the paperwork and transfer myself. Okay, they have my paperwork for two weeks -- still, they haven't processed it. I'm asking for only $1,000 of my own money! How tough can that be? They have all my info -- address, phone, everything vital. What gives?
--- back to the more critical, though not being able to pay bills is critical,
My mother had a couple of really bad nights -- in so much pain, overdosing on other things ... terrible, unpretty -- I wish not to see it again, though got another shadow of it on Thursday.
What was to be a "30 minute" trip to hospital for pre-admission testing, was in fact, 3 some hours -- nearly 4. In the end, she should be ready to go, but now needs to exercise to gain muscle in arms, for that's what she'll use to lift herself.
I doubt that she will successfully complete the physical rehab and on top of that ... she is a bad surgery risk.
I'm not really sleeping well anymore ... Tyler Durden lurks with my face, selling soap, dreams, discontent, revolution to the masses. I like being alive, but this hell I've had is akin to death (for Hell is death+). I have heavy eyelids all the time, matched with dull wit and unsightly bursts of angry talk about topics for which I have some opinion, usually soundbite news (serial murderer cofession, inconsistent with facts) etc.
I'm writing little because I generally unmotivated. I now have a very wonderful schedule of reading job postings, responding to job postings, checking "potential spam" folder for possible responses finding few -- several times daily.
On the bright side, I never traded in my car for one with worse gas mileage and for a higher loan. Thanks God!
+ as defined by absence of life (love, existence, religious continuity; be it proximity to God, or restoration of self)
Friday, August 18, 2006
In a word -- crappy
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1 comment:
I can relate to seeing your parent's health decline. Although most people distance themselves from that situation, since my parents were older, I didn't quite have my legs under me when they started to decline, so they relied on me quite a bit. In your situation, the same, you've got a close-up view. The first thing I had to get used to was my Dad after his stroke, which affected his speech and robbed him of the mind that propelled him to success, so I had to get to know him all over again. I got so good at finishing his sentences that he told me to stop, because he needed the practice. One day he told me there was something wrong with my Mom, and I went up and asked her how she was feeling, she sugar coated it. The next day, my father persisting, I checked with her again and found out she can't walk the stairs without having to stop and sit down half-way. I told her it would be a good idea if she went in for a pit stop, and she knew it, she just really didn't want to go because she had already dodged the bullet so many times. She dodged it that time, too. I think I had just graduated from high school when all that was going on, I remember both parents being in the hospital in 1989 and I was alone in the house and forging my Dad's signature to pay the bills, one Saturday some of my family gathered at the house when my sister realized it was my 19th birthday--which was news to me. 1990 brought an episode of much guilt for me, in that I wasn't at home one evening when my Mom fainted and banged her head on the way down, this was later blamed on her medication, but it was up to my Dad, still recovering from a stroke, to get the ambulance there. I stuck closer to home after that, obviously. The following years were back and forth to the hospital, out-patient blood tests, waiting rooms and bad hospital cafeteria food at 5:15am stringing together several nights of no sleep. I attempted to continue my college classes, but there was just no way, I ended up dropping almost everything. In '93, my parents sold the house I grew up in and went into an assisted living place, and by then it was very clear to me, now given the opportunity, that I needed to get a foundation under me for those coming days when I wouldn't have parents. Five years later in 1998 I moved into my own house, after a very aggressive and stressful attack on the professional world. Unfortunately, the days of no parents came much quicker than that, 1994 and 1996. Although it sucks that I didn't get more time with them, I'm glad I had old fashioned parents with old fashioned values. Now-a-days (you know your old when you use that term) it's a treat if your parents stay married. Anyway, I can relate to the feeling of being powerless to stop time, I can only suggest that make use of the time when they are healthy to prepare yourself for the future, because the eventuality of that inevitability really pulls the rug out from under you, even though you've know it was coming your whole life.
Ummm... hmm... as I re-read this I wonder if I should post it. Maybe I should clarify my point is that I understand, and everyone has to deal with it and they live through it, although the experience is different for everyone. The point is NOT that life sucks.
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