Gradually degenerating into ignorance and complacency.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

and Jack rested

It was terrible at the viewing. I didn't want, but had to see Jack. Damn that was terrible. I weighed more, or I thought I did, as if pillars holding my roof started giving way to the weight above. I was crushed and miserable.

Before I got there, I had no time to grieve. I had little time to grieve while there and when I got back, I had little time to grieve. I will fully let out soon before I burst.

The next morning was the funeral. Oh, but it was too quick. Perhaps I'm reading something into it, but I believe that Jack and God whispered a truth to me.

I looked again at the casket. That wasn't Jack. When I sat around the gathering of people -- there was Jack. Jack stayed and STAYS in the hearts and minds of those who knew him. I can see his wry smile and eye-twinkle in his children, and his compassion and love from all.

I wanted to hug him one last time. I wanted to see him smile one last time. I wanted to hear him one last time. There were a lot of lasts that I wanted. He would have suffered and so it would be to his suffering that I would have had him. I can't want that.

He has left a legacy far beyond genes -- family, but also in friends who he has touched, inspired, motivated, loved. They too have loved and found him to be a profound role model.

When people call out, "what is love", they don't know Jack. I know Jack, he's a friend, an uncle, an inspiration. I will, of course, miss his physical presence, but he has not gone. He is in everyone who ever met and knew him.

I expect to see Jack waiting for so many people to come to Heaven with him. He never looked down on people on Earth, he isn't now. He's still here, with us, teaching us not to look down either. Love, look forward, be a friend.

He has given his life to others. I can't write or ever say that my gift to him is equitable. Simple and lovable . . . I will miss our many before-lasts and our many lasts Uncle Jack. I love you and with you alive in others, past-tense is inappropriate.